The mental struggle

I have thought about typing this post the whole day and finally at 2am, I am sitting in bed in the other room away from where my toddler is to type this. We have started to wean her overnight and morning feeds. My little one doesn’t fuss for it when I’m not around I’ve decided it is time to get her daddy to do night shift for a week and see if would not cry for milk when I’m around. It’s actually a difficult decision to make. It’s been 18 months with the cuddling and feedings. If we are to wean it now, would she not be as attached to me as she is now? I have this fear of her not wanting me.

Today, I nearly have a break down. Getting her to nap was a battle. Mainly, it’s a battle between her and me only. She is more obedient and easy going when it’s my mum or my husband getting her to sleep. With me, she just want to play. Being competitive doesn’t mind my situation either. I thought I could get her to do the same. ┬áThere was a lot of crying today that I questioned whether I was a good mother at all. Why there was so much crying? What did I do wrong? It took a while before she finally fell asleep next to me in cot. I waited a few minutes before getting up to pull away the blanket (because it was warm in our room). She woke up and started to cry without any sense of what she wants. She kept calling me, pointing at her comforter (my pj) and asked to be picked up. I did all that and even the cuddle wasn’t the way she wanted. She wanted cuddle but also wanted to be in bed sleeping. I didn’t spread out the pj the way she wanted it. At the end, she fell silent on my shoulder while I picked her up per her request again. I came out of the room thinking, what the hell just happened? It was a fabulous day up until the nap time. She managed to say “I love you” by herself. We went to the park and had yum cha. It was simple but pleasurable. To be honest, I was also worried what would my father in law thinks? He was downstairs when I got her upstairs for her nap. I don’t want to be judged. But really, what if my daughter doesn’t want to come and hug me anymore? I wanted to cry.

To give reason to why the mental harshness, I guess I’m experiencing separation anxiety and cutting to only one night feed a day is affecting my hormones. Next week, I’ll be back to full time. I won’t be able to spend as much time with my little one as I had for the past 18 months. They grow up so fast that I feel I’m missing out on so much as well. I want to be there when she says her first 4 syllables words. I want to be there when she mastered something new. In simple term, I just want to be there for EVERYTHING. Attachment issue I know but can you blame a mother who wants to be there of her child?

Sigh. My mind is a mess. Better call it a night and start fresh again tomorrow.