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The mental struggle

I have thought about typing this post the whole day and finally at 2am, I am sitting in bed in the other room away from where my toddler is to type this. We have started to wean her overnight and morning feeds. My little one doesn’t fuss for it when I’m not around I’ve decided it is time to get her daddy to do night shift for a week and see if would not cry for milk when I’m around. It’s actually a difficult decision to make. It’s been 18 months with the cuddling and feedings. If we are to wean it now, would she not be as attached to me as she is now? I have this fear of her not wanting me.

Today, I nearly have a break down. Getting her to nap was a battle. Mainly, it’s a battle between her and me only. She is more obedient and easy going when it’s my mum or my husband getting her to sleep. With me, she just want to play. Being competitive doesn’t mind my situation either. I thought I could get her to do the same. ¬†There was a lot of crying today that I questioned whether I was a good mother at all. Why there was so much crying? What did I do wrong? It took a while before she finally fell asleep next to me in cot. I waited a few minutes before getting up to pull away the blanket (because it was warm in our room). She woke up and started to cry without any sense of what she wants. She kept calling me, pointing at her comforter (my pj) and asked to be picked up. I did all that and even the cuddle wasn’t the way she wanted. She wanted cuddle but also wanted to be in bed sleeping. I didn’t spread out the pj the way she wanted it. At the end, she fell silent on my shoulder while I picked her up per her request again. I came out of the room thinking, what the hell just happened? It was a fabulous day up until the nap time. She managed to say “I love you” by herself. We went to the park and had yum cha. It was simple but pleasurable. To be honest, I was also worried what would my father in law thinks? He was downstairs when I got her upstairs for her nap. I don’t want to be judged. But really, what if my daughter doesn’t want to come and hug me anymore? I wanted to cry.

To give reason to why the mental harshness, I guess I’m experiencing separation anxiety and cutting to only one night feed a day is affecting my hormones. Next week, I’ll be back to full time. I won’t be able to spend as much time with my little one as I had for the past 18 months. They grow up so fast that I feel I’m missing out on so much as well. I want to be there when she says her first 4 syllables words. I want to be there when she mastered something new. In simple term, I just want to be there for EVERYTHING. Attachment issue I know but can you blame a mother who wants to be there of her child?

Sigh. My mind is a mess. Better call it a night and start fresh again tomorrow.

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A little progress I guess?

Last night, my daughter woke up like 5 times and managed to get her back to sleep with a cuddle twice. I was a little frustrated with very disrupted sleep the night before and needed to work today. I said to my daughter “Can you please go to sleep? Mummy is very tired and really want to sleep.” I don’t think she understood me really well because she still cried for a feed. This morning, she woke up around 6am as usual and I got her to bed to latch on to sleep as usual (yes, please don’t judge me, that’s how I can squeeze in a bit more sleep before the day). However, this morning my alarm didn’t wake her and I managed to sneak out of the bedroom. My husband told me she slept till 8:10am. That’s something new!!

Tonight, again no protest for milk before sleep. I kinda ignore her chat and pretended that I ¬†fell asleep. She laid on top of me and eventually fell asleep on her own after I stopped replying her. Mental note to self, remember to ignore her interaction to play! 9pm bed time is a bit of an early night for her despite I started her night before 8pm. I don’t mind 9pm bed time as long as she can sleep for longer. Let’s hope I don’t hear any crying before mid-night!

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Back to square one with sleep

My daughter is sick with runny nose and occasional coughs. She was sick for two weeks then recovered for a week and now sick for over a week again. To top it off she is teething with her top molar. Being unwell my daughter seeks more comfort from me when it is time for sleep. It means more feedings and more awake through out the night. It is tough work for us both constantly needing to get up to feed every 2 hours or so. We are moving backward with her sleep. She was able to fall asleep by herself while I stayed in cot with her, same with afternoon nap. Well, not anymore! My girl won’t go to sleep with my husband or my mum after she is sick. She has learnt to say “milk” so that is what she has been asking for when she wants to sleep. I tried denying at first but she cried hard. How can you say no to an unwell toddler twhomis seeking for comfort? Now I am back to feeding her to sleep both during day and night. Having typed this I am nervous as others will judge me, that I am not strong enough and not consistent with the way I get her to sleep. Sigh. 

It isn’t a good mind set to be when you are already exhausted with disruptive sleeps. Why would feeding to sleep be a bad thing? I found comfort in reading Kelly mom’s blog – Comfort nursing. Her words resonate with my thinking. I hope the link can bring some comfort to another devasted mum’s day. It sure helped me when I read through it today.

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One nap a day at 10 months?

 

For the past couple of days, my daughter only took one nap in the morning. I fed her in the afternoon and no sign being tired. Then when it’s close to dinner time, she would rub her eyes but still play on. How can she be so energetic?? Where does she get her energy from?? This causes early bed time for her and no “cool down” play time in cot before sleeping. She would go to sleep right after feed.

Is she transiting herself to one nap? She doesn’t fuss or get grumpy with little sleep. I hope this doesn’t affect her development – physically and mentally. No rest for the wicked hey?

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False hope of seeing the end of the tunnel

The first night after I stopped blogging about my daughter’s sleep issue, I even gave up walking her to sleep when feeding didn’t work. That night, I turned off all the night and snugged into the cot with my baby. She climbed all over me, punched my eye and slapped my face. To my surprise, she slept next to me by herself after being all over the cot for an hour. She did 3hrs for her first stretch for the very first time in months. I was thrilled! I repeated it again the next night and every night. A couple of times I fell asleep in cot because she did, nice way to catch up on some sleep. It can be hard when she is slapping my face and head butting my jaw. My daughter’s sleep improved every night. She got to 4hrs for first stretch and even 6hrs for one night. On a side note, falling asleeping by herself doesn’t mean she will sleep through or know how to go back to sleep. I have got the misconception that if she can fall asleep by herself then helllllloooo sleep. Or maybe because I am still a sleeping aid being next to her in cot? Anyway, I thought my daughter is finally better but I was wrong! Last night she was back to hourly despite I get her to sleep the same way as before. She even woke up at 6:18am to start her day. Tonight, she has been every two hours so far. Sigh. I wonder if it is to do with teething. Her upper central is still not fully out, still got the round edge to come through. Could this be it? I will need to wait to see how she goes tomorrow night. Come on baby, please be good again.

Oh, I had fed her infants friend after she woke up. It says to help with teething pain but she woke up 2hrs after. It is not helping yet.

 

 

 

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Onion possibly giving my baby tummy pain

A few days ago I thought to add something new to my daughter’s dinner – onion. I made the combo of carrot, corn, onion and beef. It tastes decent and my daughter ate it all. As a note I only put in a couple outter slices that’s 1/8 of onion size. Basically not much! That night, she woke slightly earlier for her first stretch and cried in pain to get farts out of her system. She farted a few time and be grumpy. I fed her twice to get her back to sleep. I had cauliflower for dinner as well and I read it can gives breastfed babies gas. So, the next day I tried onion again with only one slice this time. My daughter slept normal for her first stretch and then with her second stretch she only slept for an hour and woke up crying in pain again. She did a few farts and I could hear her tummy rumble. I fed her infant’s friend and fed her back to sleep. She then slept for almost 4hrs. That’s the longest for hmmm 3 to 4 months? Last two night I didn’t put in any onion and she didn’t wake up farting. In conclusion, onion is not for every baby.

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Sleep training day 98 and 99

The memory for the last two nights were a blur. Last night, she did have one good first stretch-sort of. I went to shower right after I got her to bed. When I came back from shower she was sleeping on our bed because my husband had moved her when she woke up. Then she slept till after 1am. That’s the longest stretch we’ve got out of her so far. After that, she went back to 1hr to 2 hrs or shorter. The night before I think she was quiet steady for second half of the night, waking up 2hrs or so. Nap-wise, still fussy but better.

Today, I finally managed to walk her to sleep in the bathroom again with little protest. She wasn’t as fussy as a few days ago. Phew for that! She slept for an hour then we spent the afternoon out. When she was right about to fall asleep, she got woken up to the sound of my friend’s mum. My daughter didn’t sleep until she got back to the car. Without protest, she fell asleep as we started to head home. I managed to move her to back to cot when we got home. Her nap wasn’t too long though – 46mins total.

Tonight, I fed a bit earlier before 9pm. Nope, she didn’t fall asleep. I moved her back to cot while I sat in hoping to get her to sleep. She just rolled around and played. I thought this isn’t right so I moved her to other darker room ready to walk her. Once she was in the other room, she rested her head on my shoulder wanting to sleep! Ha! She did want to sleep but just too distracted. However, she woke up as soon as I went back into the room. I walked her to sleep again. She slept for 2 hours before I went to shower. While I was ready to get into the shower I heard her cry. I trusted my husband would take care of it so continue to wash up. When I went back to the room she was sleeping on our bed again. I think our daughter loves our bigger bed more than her cot. She would rolled around in her sleep from back to tummy and vice versa. If she is in cot, she would only roll to tummy and then be awake. What’s the deal with that? Does she wants more blanket or pillows? Or our smell is enough to make her comfort enough to just roll? I was scared she will roll out of bed so I kept checking on her.

So far, tonight is ok. Please make this a smooth night.